BBQ Winners Are Scary Orange Hue

So apparently the number one song on my birthdate was Van Halen's "Jump." That has nothing to do with any rule whatsoever. But the title is a rule. BBQ winners are a scary orange hue. All other hues of (whatever) are not winners. Sorry.

Seriously comma Ikea question marks

Um, take a look at this:


What the hell, Ikea. I thought you were supposed to be the purveyor/arbiter of all things stylish, forward-thinking, design-conscious, and lingonberry. SWEDISH! I mean Swedish.

Why on earth did you create the sad "Hatten" table? Admittedly, yelling, "HATTEN!" as though you've lost a child (with an unfortunate name) or like you are saluting some mad dictator is really amusing. However, it doesn't justify this table.

Rule: Don't ever buy this table. And also, don't ever make something like this again, Ikea. You've suddenly constructed a bunch of walls that we've worked very carefully to gently dismantle. I don't know if I can trust you. Perhaps it's best if I stayed at my sister's for the weekend.

The boy made up a good term

Rule: It's totally okay to lie about blogging about your trip to Ft. Lauderdale later.

Yeeahhh, not many rules there; just the wonderful ocean.

Rule: Karaoke should actually be dominated by the sadly mediocre and blatantly terrible.

Come on, if we wanted to listen to someone sing "Respect," we'd go listen to a CD of Aretha Franklin. The point is to exhibit how bad you are at singing, and how good you are at entertaining. Or getting the audience to sing along.

Rule: Do not read your own poetry publicly unless:

A.) You are invited to read it at an organized reading
B.) You are a douchebag
C.) You are at a poetry slam and your poem is awesome or terrible. That is, no in between.

"Because really," the boy said, "Poetry slams are just poe-oke." (that's poetry + karaoke)

Well said, boy. Well said.

Um, question marks, Daily Plate

Rule: Release helpful features after you have figured out how it will appear to the end user.

Seriously. What's going on, Daily Plate? You're not in beta anymore. Though hilarious, the suggestions for lower-calorie substitutions are not categorized/filtered in any way, and so they're not good substitutions.

I had a Dr. Pepper.

Even though I would've saved 130 calories, I'm not going to drink iced "Praline Mustard Glaze" our of a jelly jar at Cheeburger Cheeburger.




*considers*


No. Yeah I'm not going to do that.

Please listen

So I just got back from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida Sunday evening. We will need to catch up on rules from that trip. I have yet to sit down and list everything I saw that needed a rule. Also, I don't want to bore you with rules you probably already know about/hopefully adhere to ("for pete's sake, put more cloth on that."). In the meantime:

Listen to Saul Williams. Go ahead. Go to seeqpod.com, search Saul Williams, and enjoy some real non-top-40 music.

Don't do it.

Don't read Amy Tan. Why would you do that? Why would you do that to yourself? Emo-researched Asian-American literature. She can put sentences together, but seriously, did we have to exalt literature that half the other Asian-American writers could excrete after a bowl of Asian Bran (it's angsty! Nutrition info: why are you reading this, go practice piano.)?

Please, PLEASE read something better like Bone by Fae Myenne Ng or Blu's Hanging by Lois-Ann Yamanaka.

I've gone crazy! Two rules at once! WOOO *lifts shirt*

Backlogged rule 3:
Well, actually, it's a series of rules.
In my Gmail news feed this morning [March 18]: "Poetry Contest - DorothyPrizes.org - Prizes of $1000 to $25000. Heartfelt poems due Nov. 6."

Poems that you slapped together without thinking about it just for this contest due Dec. 8.

Angsty poems you wrote in high school and you thought your life was so hard due when your mom comes down to the basement, brings you juice, and reminds you, "Oh honey, wasn't that poetry thing due today?"

Poems that involve dragons due when your testicles descend.

Poems about cancer that you wrote because, "Oh, cancer is just so sad!" are not due. Ever.

Poems written about the first thing you saw out the window are due Oct. 9.

Poems about your favorite pastime or sport that you love so much but can't describe and it just is so great and I'm going to use a lot of words like "passion," "exhilarate," and "soar" must be submitted in the approved format: ashes in an urn crafted from oven-fired ferret feces.

Poems you wrote about world hunger, world peace, true love, and how much you love your yorkshire terrier (and you own a bumper sticker that says, "my yorkie is cuter than your honor student") will all be judged in a separate category. Please coat in egg wash and panko breadcrumbs before entering.


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Next rule: Hey comma Brita pitcher. Effing filter my water.

I paid $15 for you to produce deliciously purified water. I did not pay $15 for you to filter so slowly that the catchment turns into a mosquito pond.