Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I've gone crazy! Two rules at once! WOOO *lifts shirt*

Backlogged rule 3:
Well, actually, it's a series of rules.
In my Gmail news feed this morning [March 18]: "Poetry Contest - - Prizes of $1000 to $25000. Heartfelt poems due Nov. 6."

Poems that you slapped together without thinking about it just for this contest due Dec. 8.

Angsty poems you wrote in high school and you thought your life was so hard due when your mom comes down to the basement, brings you juice, and reminds you, "Oh honey, wasn't that poetry thing due today?"

Poems that involve dragons due when your testicles descend.

Poems about cancer that you wrote because, "Oh, cancer is just so sad!" are not due. Ever.

Poems written about the first thing you saw out the window are due Oct. 9.

Poems about your favorite pastime or sport that you love so much but can't describe and it just is so great and I'm going to use a lot of words like "passion," "exhilarate," and "soar" must be submitted in the approved format: ashes in an urn crafted from oven-fired ferret feces.

Poems you wrote about world hunger, world peace, true love, and how much you love your yorkshire terrier (and you own a bumper sticker that says, "my yorkie is cuter than your honor student") will all be judged in a separate category. Please coat in egg wash and panko breadcrumbs before entering.

Next rule: Hey comma Brita pitcher. Effing filter my water.

I paid $15 for you to produce deliciously purified water. I did not pay $15 for you to filter so slowly that the catchment turns into a mosquito pond.

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